Greetings all.

Obviously I am new, or I wouldn't have written such as the title of the post. My name, for all intents and purposes is Dandy. My assortment of mental professionals over the years have given me quite a few nice little lables, these being:

  1. Depression
  2. Slight autism/Asperger's Syndrome
  3. ADD
  4. Dyscalculia
  5. Sociopathic Personality Disorder
  6. Species Dysphoria Disorder
  7. Gender Dysphoria Disorder
  8. Schizophrenia
  9. And something else I don't particularly remember but had to do with constantly having lucid dreams that are usually on an ongoing, linear timeline. Don't think they ever quite figured that out.

Of all these, I wouldn't be surprised if they were all true, at least at one point or another. I never went on medication for any of these, which bothers some, but I believe I function quite fine on my own. I know that 4 through 7 are true, but I can't really say much for the rest.

Good to meet you all.

  • Current Mood
    calm calm

(no subject)

I have always been here
I have always looked out from behind these eyes
it feels like more than a lifetime
its been more than a lifetime

Sometimes I get tired of the waiting
sometimes I get tired of being in here
is this the way it has always been?
could it ever have been different?

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?
do you ever get tired of being in there?
don't worry, nobody lives forever,
nobody lives forever

Written October 5, 2003 by Matthew

Originally published at Memories of Matthew. Please leave any comments there. All comments posted on LJ will be screened and cross-posted.

Aunt Lizzie has lung cancer. Grampa said the prognosis is not good. I am still in shock just as much as I was last night. Who would have thought a 38 year old could get lung cancer? She doesn’t even smoke. How is that even possible? I feel so bad for her and my cousins.

Read the rest of this entry »

(no subject)

Hey everyone

Hopefully this won’t come across as advertising, but I was invited to beta test this site you all might want to check out. It’s called and is basically a mix between Myspace and eHarmony specifically for people with illnesses. They said they are going to be donating millions of dollars to charities like the American Cancer Society and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society! That’s really why I wanted to post here.

It seems like they’re supporting a really great cause and could really use some additional opinions to make it work.

Here’s the beta code to sign up: RFBETA06
Hope to see you there!

the perks of being a wallflower

(no subject)

So today I woke up and my intestines ( Small and Large ), mainly the small feels like someone came into my room and repeatedly beat my torso with a rolling pin.

this hasn't happened in a while.  I'm thinking that it's just ibs related.  has anyone else had this kind of thing happen??

a good find!

now this community is right up my alley. i usually try not to piss and moan all over my own journal about how sick i feel, what a relief to find a few people who don't mind. cheers to you guys, its too much a load for people to have to lock all their woes inside.
as far as i am concerned, i spent a few months in the hospital a year ago because i had a carcinoid tumor in my lung and have to get the lobe chopped out and in the process the docs managed to give me a staff infection and during the treatment for that they punctured something while inserted a lung tube through my back which put me back into more surgery and gave me a couple brushes up against death. afterwards in fear that i would sue they pretty much stopped seeing me and stopped prescribing the pain meds i was supposed to be on for a while longer and then eased off of, so i became a heroin addict as a way of self medicating yay! as of two and a half months ago i am clean of that which is reassuring in some ways but sucks in other because it means i am gaining back all the weight i lost from throwing up almost every time i ate during those 9 months. on top of that the doctors i have seen recently said i should have had my appendix removed because of the connection with lung and appendix carcinoids and the throbbing pain in the side anytime i have to crap that doubles me over in pain for a good half hour a day is not a good sign for the possibility of tumors in the rest of my digestive system (i am procrastinating on the tests to find out). also i have slight case of spastic dysplasia from brain damage when i was born as well as partial seizures simple and complex. i have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but it might just be symptoms from the seizures. i have a heart murmur in my arterial something rather and am supposed to be on heart pills (metoprolol) but i don't take them nor do i take the seizure meds because they make me clumsy and tired and i don't always have access to a doctor anyways because i have pretty much chosen to live what i do have of my life traveling. oh and my knees crunch like stepping on bugs every time i bend them because the cartilage is screwed so i can barely hike anymore. i feel too weak to do much of anything lately and none of my friends or family seem to understand that. i don't know anyone who has been in this situation and it scared the piss outta me that i can't just keep up the denial if the symptoms are going to keep getting worse. if it wasn't for my morbid sense of humor and nihilistic outlook i would surely be depressed as well. that being said, i wish you guys all pleasant sensations and entertaining events. cheers.


I completed my (hopefully) last chemotherapy treatment last week. On Monday I have to get an MRI done to see if I really am clean this time.